FUNNY BEER STORIES
Please reserve the entire month of June for this years camp. "Not long enough" was the
most frequent complaint after last year’s two week event. Cabins have been renovated
as requested. There is now a tap system in every room of every cabin, including bath
and bedrooms. BEER CAN skeet shooters will now be allowed to use full cans instead of
empties only. The new machine will be able to handle the extra weight.
The BEER can river raft races will be held every Monday morning at 10:00. Trophies
will be awarded for the most creative BEER can raft, most BEER consumed in 8 hours,
or "all night" as we are participating in a Wisconsin University study attempting to prove
the fact that it is impossible to be too drunk to fish. Poker games will still be allowed,
but you must use cash this year. Last year we had too many people who had to leave
camp early because they bet with, and lost all their BEER.
NURSERY TIME
Little boy blue come drink your beer,
Asleep in the meadow, after too much cheer.
Where is the little boy that looks after the beer?
Passed out under a haystack, hung over it would appear.
Georgy Porgy, jerky and beer,
kissed the dog and licked his ear.
When Georgy Porgy woke up the next day,
he saw what he slept with, and ran away.
Jack be tipsy, Jack be drunk, Jack tried to jump over a candlestick. He slipped and fell
on his arm and now it's broken and in a cast. It itches real bad too. It's hard to even
drive a car now, not to mention, lift a glass. He burned his leg on the way over the
candlestick too. Boy, did that hurt. He also fell on the cat when he landed, and killed it.
Remember all this crap the next time you get an urge to jump over a candlestick after
you've been drinking. Maybe you'll think twice and keep your ass on the barstool where
it belongs. The only reason to get up should be to go to the restroom. STAY AWAY
from those damn candlesticks.
Humpty Dumpty sat on his beer,
Humpty Dumpty got a wet rear.
Now if you ask him to sit,
he'll say no I'll pass,
Because he still has glass in his ass.
One day, on my way to the bar, I met a man with seven boxes, every box had seven
cases, every case had seven bottles, every bottle had seven ounces. Boxes, cases,
bottles, ounces, how many were going to the bar?
A BORING DAY AT THE OFFICE
An office email
Attention all associates
Subject: BINGO
Now that the intercom system is working, Terry has given us permission to use it for
BEER BINGO. Denise is designing the BEER BINGO cards on her PC as we speak.
Cost per card is fifty cents with a 5 card maximum. Half the profits will go to the
winners, the other half will be donated to the Diamond Jim Relief Fund and be
completely tax deductible. Doug will be the caller and announce BEER names every
9 minutes throughout the day. Ray will be assisting Doug by telling him the varieties
of BEER he has tried, in order, since he was a small boy. You play the game by
putting an "X" through the brand of beer on your card with a purple crayon.
If you don't happen to have a purple crayon, you can't play.
Denise will make sure that no two cards are alike. When you get 4 or 5 in a row,
this way or that way, you scream BINGO as loud as you can, collect your winnings,
and leave work early. Jeff will be bringing a bus load of 80 year old ladies
to participate in a focus group to determine the bingo games marketability.
Please be nice to them!
IF U THINK U NEED A COLD ONE ( I know I do )
BEER can be shared with associates at the usual place tonight after work,
5:01pm SHARP
SPRING CLEANING PARTY
Another Office email.......
Trying to organize what everybody wants to drink at a party is way to difficult.
So, we would like everyone to do what Steve and I are gonna do. Go through your
liquor cabinet and pick out the alcohol you haven't touched in a long time,
and have no plans for. Bring that. It's like cleaning out your closet or garage
once a year. Get rid of the stuff you know you're not going to use.
For those of you who keep your inventory at a manageable level, and only have what you
intend to use (drink) my hats off to you! Please stop by and give me a lesson in booze
inventory management (I need it). You can bring beer or your other favorite liquid treat.
For those of you who are undecided, bring one old bottle you know you have no use for,
AND something you frequent. Unless of course you want to take a chance that you will
like something someone else brings.
At the end of the night, we will sell whatever is left over. I will collect a nickel
for each bottle (whether its beer or alcohol). That way, not only will you have the
opportunity to get rid of what you don't want, but you can pick up something you
would like to try. Real cheap, (providing there is anything left, that is.) You will
only be able to make a 5 cent bottle purchase if you brought a spring-cleaning item too.
Steve and I will keep track.
All nickels collected will be donated to the church. The money will be used
to purchase programs for the new church computer. We are most interested
in stop smoking and weight loss programs. Please be generous,
bring as much booze as you can stand to part with.
Enjoy the hangover !
MY NEW CHURCH
After 11:00 mass last Sunday at St. Peters, I had a long conversation with
Father Jack. We discovered our mutual love for BEER. To make a long story short,
Father Jack will announce his retirement from the priesthood at next Sundays mass.
He and I will be starting a new church. We are going to call it,
Our Lady Of Barley and Hops. We have many details to work out yet,
but have decided on a few things we are going to do, and how to help with the hangover.
BEER will be handed out as you arrive at mass each Sunday. Instead of the host,
at halftime, we will have servers that distribute the sacred pretzels. A collection
will be taken each mass to be used to buy BEER for the church officers for the week,
and to stock up for the following Sunday. Our two first prayers will be the
"Our Father Who Art In Jail", and "Hail Mary Full Of BEER".
Confessions will be heard daily in the church basement, at the bar. Sunday brunch
after each mass will consist of pickled eggs, chicken wings, French-fried mushrooms and
jalapeno poppers. At Christmas we will celebrate the birthday of our hero, the dude
that invented beer, which of course we all know was Leroy BEER in 1736 (BC).
The usual sermon will consist of exaggerated fishing stories, how to rebuild an engine,
divorce stories, and the usual sex stuff. I have another meeting scheduled with
(ex) father Jack this week. I will keep you posted with our progress and let you know
more details, and how to join...................BLESS YOU !
PEACE BE WITH YOU
Good Morning, My Children.
Following is more info regarding mass at Our Lady Of Barley & Hops church.
The church will be divided into two sections, smoking and non. A state of the art
air filtration system has been ordered to keep the better people from being annoyed
by the smoke from the stupid people that abuse their bodies.
We will proceed with a variation of a practice customary at a catholic church.
At one point during mass, instead of turning to your immediate neighbors,
and shaking hands, saying "peace be with you", we will play a short game of
"pull my finger". When you turn to your fellow worshiper and pull the finger,
don't say anything, just wink & smile, (it helps to visualize here). One of the
alter dudes will be in charge of then turning the ceiling fans on high
for three minutes, (a little longer the day after special events).
Instead of the traditional choir, we will have a D.J. in the loft. Live appearances will
be scheduled only if there is enough money leftover from the collection, after enough
beer is purchased for the next week. Following Mass every Thursday will be
polka night, Friday will be blues, Saturday nights will feature classic rock,
and Sunday is jazz. After masses Monday through Wed, you may bring your own music,
even country music will be permitted. Any rap music confiscated will result
in immediate dismissal from the church. We don't consider tat to be funny.
Driving after mass will be strictly prohibited. If you don't have a designated driver
waiting outside in the car, one will be provided for you. Backseat driving will be allowed.
Mooning other motorists is permissible in the eyes of the church, but I believe it is still
against common law. I'll check on that and put a post it note in the bulletin
next Saturday. Taking flash pictures of your driver is also against
policy.
Guest speaker for the inaugural mass will be the brew master from Miller. He will
explain the importance of barley and hops, how to master the art of sliding one foot
off the bed and onto the floor to keep the room from spinning, and the importance of
padded toilet seats. As in all churches, a special collection will be taken. Please be
generous.
Masses will be held 365 days a year, at 6:00 and 9:30 pm. Special holiday mass
times will be announced in the bulletin at least three weeks before I think them up.
BEST REGARDS ........................................ FATHER JIM.
PARISH NEEDS
Satisfying needs is one of the primary functions of your B & H church. Confessions
will be held every first & last Friday of the month. Reservations will be required.
No "walk ins" will be allowed. I will accept 13 people for each session.
The event will be held at the secret farm. You will be blindfolded on the way there
and back. Procedure will be as follows;
To prepare for the ceremony, you must first write your sins on paper,
and read them out loud (in a private place) to time how long it takes you to read them.
It is necessary that you end up with exactly 30 seconds. It doesn't matter if your
story includes bank robbery, murder, or something as simple as an impure thought about
an ugly neighbor. Your sin speech must end up to be exactly 30 seconds. If you have
sinned to much, and can't get it all in a 30 second time frame, you must attend
the next session to finish. If you're one of "those people" and can't even come up with
30 seconds, you are allowed to make something up. (providing you have at least
a couple of legitimate screw ups in your life to warrant your
participation).
Thirteen lazy boy recliners will be positioned in a circle in the sacred barn of
Saint Elsie, the patron saint of cheese. In the center of the circle will be the
sacrificial alter (half barrel with the top cut off). Each participant will be given a tiny
goblet of 151 rum, and of course, a BEER. There will be a "Christmas tree" in one
corner of the barn, and mirrors positioned so everyone in the circle will be able to see
it. For those of you who are not into racing, a "Christmas tree" is the stand of lights
that turns on from top to bottom ending in green to start a drag race.
After a short prayer, I will light the "tree". When the last green light at the bottom
turns on, everyone will stand up and scream their sins out loud for 30 seconds.
No one will hear what you say, cause they'll be busy doing their own. After 30 seconds,
there will be a moment of silence, after which you will throw your tiny goblet of
151 rum into the "alter". I will then toss in the previously blessed sparkler to ignite
the forgiveness juice. Then you toss your written speech into the fire to destroy
the evidence, and then drink your BEER. After a short time, the fire will burn out,
and your sins will be forgiven!
REJOICE, CHILDREN AND PREPARE YOURSELF TO ENTER THE KINGDOM OF BEER!
THE CHURCH PICNIC
This years church picnic will be held at the MEGA MART BEER DEPOT on main street.
The "Happy Schnapps Combo" polka band will be performing throughout the day.
Dinner will be catered by the Cholesterol Café. We will be serving pan fried Spam,
garlic wings, chicken parts fried in butter, pickled pigs feet, an assortment of beef
jerky, jalapeno peanuts, and of course the sacred pretzels. Father Buffet will be
frying his delicious paradise cheeseburgers. For desert we will have the traditional
sand dipped eggshells and chocolate covered watermelon rinds.
Activities will include a karaoke version of the hokey poky preformed by Father Jim,
co-ed naked twister, pin the tail on the overeater, kick the beer can, mid-evil
beer trivia, beer bingo, and the state patrol sobriety test. For the kiddies,
we will be showing a movie in the back room of the BEER depot
"ALIEN SPACE CHICKENS FROM THE PLANET BEER". Hey, it's a funny flick.
Representatives from 42 micro breweries will be on hand for us to taste test
what they say is better. HEY - I don't care for most of that crap either,
but its FREE BEER! (that's my favorite flavor) They will also provide tips
on how to cure a hangover. WHAT A COUNTRY !!!!!
The Budweiser Blimp will be on hand giving rides and offering a bungee jumping class.
Later in the afternoon, we will have a contest where the cord is tied at your feet
and you jump out of the blimp. When you reach the bottom, as low as you can go,
you must puke (yea, like that'll be hard) and try to get as much as you can in the
sacred bucket. The winner will receive a beer can trophy, all participants
will receive a gift certificate to see a psychiatrist.
We still need some volunteers to work part of the day. Please let sister Tina know
if you can work the beer dunk tank booth, hand out the barf bags, or work the
"dunk your face in the toilet bowl for goldfish" booth. We found those old hardhats
in the church basement, the ones with the beer can holders on the sides,
and the fancy straws. We will give them out to the first 150 people to show up.
Some of the chin straps are missing, so be careful!
The guy that played Jim on the T.V. show TAXI will be our motivational speaker
first thing in the morning, to get us all in the mood. Father Hammer will bless
the bacon & Spam sandwiches you are required to bring for breakfast.
If you have any other suggestions for the picnic, sorry, you're Too Late!
Put it in the suggestion box for the fall picnic. C U THERE!
LETS HOPE THE BEER GODS OF WEATHER COOPERATE!
Forever yours in beer, FATHER JIM.
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
OUR LADY OF BARLEY & HOPS
10. THOU SHALT NOT drive over thy neighbors lawn,
nor pee in his bushes.
9. THOU SHALT NOT do bar fights,
or harbor evil thoughts about stupid people.
8. THOU SHALT NOT drink someone else's beer,
while they visit the restroom.
7. THOU SHALT NOT chase your neighbors wife,
if his daughter is better.
6. THOU SHALT NOT kill your bartender,
less he refuses to serve you.
5. HONOR THY designated driver, pay him well,
keep him happy, buy him presents.
4. REMEMBER the Sabbath, and toast often
to the attitude adjustment gods.
3. THOU SHALT NOT EVER fall asleep at the bar,
or pass out in the restroom.
2. THOU SHALT NOT use the name of Betty Ford in vain,
while drunk, or even while sober.
1. THOU SHALT NEVER make fun of another,
as he worships the PORCELAIN GOD !
PENANCE for your sins will be determined by you. I used to be in charge of that,
but have decided we are always harder on ourselves, and that would be better.
CONFESSION details will be announced soon.
YOURS IN ALCOHOL........................................FATHER JIM.
CHURCH OPINIONS
I have been asked to make public the official position on several important issues
in the eyes of the "Our Lady Of Barley & Hops" church.
RACISM - We have a positive view point on this subject. We are most definitely
in favor of racism. Having a healthy mind is important to the soul. A healthy body is
an important part of having a healthy mind. I believe in exercise. We will be scheduling
all kinds of races this spring. Walking races, bike races, baby crawling races,
and lets not forget the all-important BEER-drinking race. Yes, racism is encouraged!
WOMEN'S MOVEMENT - I realize that the purpose of faith, and the viewpoints
of the church are very important to the daily lives of the parishioners. We are
looked to for guidance and direction to complete life's journey. However,
it is my position that whatever women do in the bathroom is their own business.
GENETIC ENGINEERING - We will not be in favor of over the counter genetic
medication until the testing is done. After that, we will encourage the use of Beer-lynol.
It enlarges the BEER glad, and has even been known to grow a new one
(so far only in rare cases). After FDA approval, Beer-lynol will be distributed at mass
during halftime, along with the sacred pretzels. We are also interested in the
medication that genetically alters your golf swing, improves accuracy on the pool table,
and strengthens the bladder.
ALCOHOLISM - No opinion yet. I need to do more research.
THE BEER DEPOT
Invest your pension with me! Own a part of the new BEER DEPOT! Be one of the first
to get in on my new ground floor opportunity! I am planning to open the first of many
mega mart beer stores right here in our lovely little town. I figure with all the
unemployment checks being distributed, business will flourish.
I have selected a location downtown so easy to get to, and plenty of parking too.
I figure about 80,000 square feet oughta do it. Giant displays of Disney characters
made from beer cans will greet people as they enter. The entire store will be without
lights or windows. Customers will be given flashlights as they come in.
There will be a surprise around every corner.
The zoo is delivering a thousand frogs that will jump out at people when they
least expect it. I will have those little magnetic security things on all the BEER
so people don't stuff their pockets. All associates will be required to wear suits
covered with glow sticks. Employees will treat customers as rude as possible.
Swearing will be encouraged.
Jokes will be distributed each morning, for you to tell throughout the day.
Food stamps will be accepted. We will barter too. Trading stuff like old furniture
for beer. We will be open 364 days a year. The store will be closed on Halloween
so my people can spend some quality time with their
families...
Please forward your severance checks as soon as you receive them and/or send me
your application and resume as soon as possible. You wouldn't believe the lead time
on those darn glow stick suits!
BRAIN CELLS
I'm getting real sick and tired of people telling me that drinking BEER destroys
your brain cells. I have yet to see any government required warning labels on BEER cans.
In fact, I suspect this rumor was started by the government. They know that BEER
increases the awareness and common sense glands, and they are afraid if too many
people drink BEER, politicians will no longer be able to lie, cheat and steal as effectively.
If drinking BEER destroys all your brain cells, all lawyers must be descendants
of alcoholics, because they seem to have no brains at all.
I have my own theory. Along with stimulating common sense and awareness,
I think BEER actually does destroy some selected brain cells. Just a couple BEERS
will attack the brain cells that are dormant. This explains why people that never drink
are boring. They have too many unused brain cells just taking up space in the brain.
No room for new ones to grow.
After only a few, BEER begins to attack the active brain cells that contain
all the useless information we have gathered since the last time we had a few more
than a couple. And then, when one reaches the plateau of regular beer drinking,
the effect is quite different. Sometimes you even make up beer stories.
After regular consumption of BEER, Brain cells are selectively destroyed with the least
important knowledge being destroyed first. Any information you need or could possibly
use in the future will remain in tact. (BEER has a way of knowing).
That's the magic of beer. Somehow it knows what bullshit to get rid of in your mind.
It levels off your brains operating capacity at the optimum level.
Just another reason to love BEER.........
CASINO
Wouldn't it be a wonderful thing if the whole world would be like a casino!
I was gambling in Reno and these sexy looking dudettes kept bringing me free BEER!
They said as long as I was spending money, drinks were on the house.
I think everyone should adopt this policy.
Just think of it, when you go to the grocery store, they would hand you a BEER
as soon as you walk in. Instead of those people handing out samples of soggy pizza
and some new kind of cracker that tastes like shit, they would be handing out
different samples of BEER. The old lady in the bakery department would have
a little cooler on her counter. The guy at the cash register would have a half-barrel
tapped and a great big stack of plastic cups.
When you went to the store to spend some of your hard earned money, the greeter
person would be handing out ice cold shorty's. A complete bar would be set up in the
music department with the Dennis Leary song "Asshole" playing. The pharmacy would
have special medicated beer samples. The automotive department associates would be
giving out 16oz cans saying "nice to see you & have a nice day". If you stopped to pay
your gas bill, they would have cans of BEER on the counter. I don't know why,
but BEER always reminds me of the word GAS.
The mall would probably be the most happening place in town. All the stores competing
for your money, trying to give out more and better beer than the other stores.
While handing out all this BEER, they might then resort to other ideas to get you
to shop at their store. Penny’s might hire bands to listen to while you shop.
Sears would have magic shows scattered around the store. Everyone drinking BEER,
having fun, and spending money.
Gas stations would have self-serve taps next to all their self-serve pumps.
The drive through window at all the fast food places would give out little traveler cups
of BEER, and you could "super size" it for another 69 cents. Law schools would have to
invest all kinds of money for the new required body building classes. Attorneys would
be required to pass a new strength test before they take the bar exam. This is
necessary because whenever they leave their house they will have to carry two
or three cases of BEER with them where ever they go. Because every time lawyers
talk to anyone, the scum sucking greedy pig faced jerks want to make money off you,
which now would require BEER.
I think the casino owners are on the right track though, it could be a great thing!
JACK AND JILL
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a case of BEER. On their way up, they ran into
Little Bo-Peep, who lost her BEER, and didn't know where to find it. Georgy Porgy was
sitting on a rock eating a pudding pie. He said he was depressed and on Prozac,
cause every time he kissed a girl, he made them cry. Three blind mice ran by,
chasing a farmer’s wife, who had cut off their tails with a carving knife after she
caught them eating the pie she just had delivered from Simple Simon's bakery.
Little Miss Muffet was sitting on an empty case of BEER eating her cheese curds.
This great big spider came and sat down beside her, and scared the shit out of her.
She spilled her bag of cheese curds, and started running. She came across
old Mother Hubbard who said "no worries mate", I have some more cheese curds
in my cupboard, next to my doggie bones. But I moved last week. I divorced
my husband because he couldn't control his Wee-Willie-Winkie,
and now I'm shacking up with this dude in the house that jack built.
Well, Little Miss Muffet didn't want to get involved in that mess and decided to go buy
some more from her good friend, Maid Mary that works at the dairy. Just about then,
Jack & Jill heard an argument going on in the garden of Mary Mary quite contrary.
They saw Mary Mary, spanking a young boy. It turned out to be her neighbor,
Peter Peter the pumpkin eater. They overheard, "you stupid idiot! For the last time,
you have to cook the stupid pumpkin before you eat it' !! The last time you tried this,
you threw up on my dog! Now get out of here, go sit in the corner with
Little Jack Horner and help him eat the Christmas pie".
Just then, Peter Piper showed up and said he was there to pick a peck of pickled
jalapeno peppers. Mary Mary said, how many pecks of pickled jalapeno peppers
are you going to pick ? Peter Piper said, "just one". Jack & Jill went on,
searching for their case of BEER. They came across a huge, gigantic shoe.
"holy cow" said Jill, its as big as a house!
They went and knocked on the door, and needless to say, an old woman answered
the door. We're looking for a case of BEER, said Jack. Sorry, said the old woman.
I haven't had BEER in the house since my husband was alive. He was the
street sweeper driver and drowned when he was driving over the London Bridge
that collapsed last spring. Just then, they heard screaming outside.
They saw a dude holding his ass. The old woman said, oh that's Jack, he must have
burned himself jumping over the candle stick. She explained that he just got out of
Betty Ford and started drinking again. So, Jack & Jill went out and took his case
of BEER away and started back down the hill. It was then, when Jack fell down,
and broke his crown, and Jill went tumbling after............
CAR WASH
Not many people know, but BEER has many chemical properties most people don't know
about. If you prepare the BEER correctly (its a secret) the residue will form a
transparent film that is actually harder than the surface of a diamond.
I stumbled upon this fact and process late one funny night during a poker game
in the back room of a Reno hotel.
This great big ugly guy was bragging about how much money he was going to make with
his new discovery. The more he drank, the more money he lost, and the more he told
about his secret. So naturally, we kept feeding him more BEER until we had the
whole story. He started getting a little "frisky" with one of the waitresses,
and she eventually drove her spiked heal through the back of his head, killing him.
There's a lot more to this bloody homicide story, but lets talk more about BEER.
Now that I am the only one that knows about the hardening properties of BEER,
I will be opening a chain of car washes around the world. Instead of water, I will use
BEER. After I use the secret process to make the beer residue get hard,
it is still completely safe to drink. Not only will you have a good time at my car wash,
you will only have to get your car washed once. The hardened beer film will last forever.
Since the film is invisible, I will put a tattoo on every car that passes through,
kind of like a "brand" they used to put on cattle. That way, my people will know
if the car has been treated before. Along with its lasting forever qualities,
no dirt will ever stick to the surface of the car. Bring your car to me once,
and it will look perfect forever. All because of BEER!
I was thinking about how much to charge for this special process. First I figured a cars
lifetime at 12 years, ordinary washes once a month at $3.75 ea, that comes to
$540.00 you would spend on the average car during its lifetime, just to get it washed.
Because I'm such a nice guy, and don't believe in taking advantage of people,
I have decided to charge $100 for this service.
You see, I believe in insuring the permanency of my investment by keeping prices
so low, as not to encourage competition. I figure the city council in all cities will donate
the land. The townspeople will take up a collection for the building,
and my employees will work for beer, (wouldn't you?). The golden liquid will be applied
with giant squirt guns by naked people. I will have two lanes, male & female.
You may choose whatever lane you wish. If you ask to go through both,
you will be banned from my BEER wash forever, and sent home.
Please reserve the entire month of June for this years camp. "Not long enough" was the
most frequent complaint after last year’s two week event. Cabins have been renovated
as requested. There is now a tap system in every room of every cabin, including bath
and bedrooms. BEER CAN skeet shooters will now be allowed to use full cans instead of
empties only. The new machine will be able to handle the extra weight.
The BEER can river raft races will be held every Monday morning at 10:00. Trophies
will be awarded for the most creative BEER can raft, most BEER consumed in 8 hours,
or "all night" as we are participating in a Wisconsin University study attempting to prove
the fact that it is impossible to be too drunk to fish. Poker games will still be allowed,
but you must use cash this year. Last year we had too many people who had to leave
camp early because they bet with, and lost all their BEER.
NURSERY TIME
Little boy blue come drink your beer,
Asleep in the meadow, after too much cheer.
Where is the little boy that looks after the beer?
Passed out under a haystack, hung over it would appear.
Georgy Porgy, jerky and beer,
kissed the dog and licked his ear.
When Georgy Porgy woke up the next day,
he saw what he slept with, and ran away.
Jack be tipsy, Jack be drunk, Jack tried to jump over a candlestick. He slipped and fell
on his arm and now it's broken and in a cast. It itches real bad too. It's hard to even
drive a car now, not to mention, lift a glass. He burned his leg on the way over the
candlestick too. Boy, did that hurt. He also fell on the cat when he landed, and killed it.
Remember all this crap the next time you get an urge to jump over a candlestick after
you've been drinking. Maybe you'll think twice and keep your ass on the barstool where
it belongs. The only reason to get up should be to go to the restroom. STAY AWAY
from those damn candlesticks.
Humpty Dumpty sat on his beer,
Humpty Dumpty got a wet rear.
Now if you ask him to sit,
he'll say no I'll pass,
Because he still has glass in his ass.
One day, on my way to the bar, I met a man with seven boxes, every box had seven
cases, every case had seven bottles, every bottle had seven ounces. Boxes, cases,
bottles, ounces, how many were going to the bar?
A BORING DAY AT THE OFFICE
An office email
Attention all associates
Subject: BINGO
Now that the intercom system is working, Terry has given us permission to use it for
BEER BINGO. Denise is designing the BEER BINGO cards on her PC as we speak.
Cost per card is fifty cents with a 5 card maximum. Half the profits will go to the
winners, the other half will be donated to the Diamond Jim Relief Fund and be
completely tax deductible. Doug will be the caller and announce BEER names every
9 minutes throughout the day. Ray will be assisting Doug by telling him the varieties
of BEER he has tried, in order, since he was a small boy. You play the game by
putting an "X" through the brand of beer on your card with a purple crayon.
If you don't happen to have a purple crayon, you can't play.
Denise will make sure that no two cards are alike. When you get 4 or 5 in a row,
this way or that way, you scream BINGO as loud as you can, collect your winnings,
and leave work early. Jeff will be bringing a bus load of 80 year old ladies
to participate in a focus group to determine the bingo games marketability.
Please be nice to them!
IF U THINK U NEED A COLD ONE ( I know I do )
BEER can be shared with associates at the usual place tonight after work,
5:01pm SHARP
SPRING CLEANING PARTY
Another Office email.......
Trying to organize what everybody wants to drink at a party is way to difficult.
So, we would like everyone to do what Steve and I are gonna do. Go through your
liquor cabinet and pick out the alcohol you haven't touched in a long time,
and have no plans for. Bring that. It's like cleaning out your closet or garage
once a year. Get rid of the stuff you know you're not going to use.
For those of you who keep your inventory at a manageable level, and only have what you
intend to use (drink) my hats off to you! Please stop by and give me a lesson in booze
inventory management (I need it). You can bring beer or your other favorite liquid treat.
For those of you who are undecided, bring one old bottle you know you have no use for,
AND something you frequent. Unless of course you want to take a chance that you will
like something someone else brings.
At the end of the night, we will sell whatever is left over. I will collect a nickel
for each bottle (whether its beer or alcohol). That way, not only will you have the
opportunity to get rid of what you don't want, but you can pick up something you
would like to try. Real cheap, (providing there is anything left, that is.) You will
only be able to make a 5 cent bottle purchase if you brought a spring-cleaning item too.
Steve and I will keep track.
All nickels collected will be donated to the church. The money will be used
to purchase programs for the new church computer. We are most interested
in stop smoking and weight loss programs. Please be generous,
bring as much booze as you can stand to part with.
Enjoy the hangover !
MY NEW CHURCH
After 11:00 mass last Sunday at St. Peters, I had a long conversation with
Father Jack. We discovered our mutual love for BEER. To make a long story short,
Father Jack will announce his retirement from the priesthood at next Sundays mass.
He and I will be starting a new church. We are going to call it,
Our Lady Of Barley and Hops. We have many details to work out yet,
but have decided on a few things we are going to do, and how to help with the hangover.
BEER will be handed out as you arrive at mass each Sunday. Instead of the host,
at halftime, we will have servers that distribute the sacred pretzels. A collection
will be taken each mass to be used to buy BEER for the church officers for the week,
and to stock up for the following Sunday. Our two first prayers will be the
"Our Father Who Art In Jail", and "Hail Mary Full Of BEER".
Confessions will be heard daily in the church basement, at the bar. Sunday brunch
after each mass will consist of pickled eggs, chicken wings, French-fried mushrooms and
jalapeno poppers. At Christmas we will celebrate the birthday of our hero, the dude
that invented beer, which of course we all know was Leroy BEER in 1736 (BC).
The usual sermon will consist of exaggerated fishing stories, how to rebuild an engine,
divorce stories, and the usual sex stuff. I have another meeting scheduled with
(ex) father Jack this week. I will keep you posted with our progress and let you know
more details, and how to join...................BLESS YOU !
PEACE BE WITH YOU
Good Morning, My Children.
Following is more info regarding mass at Our Lady Of Barley & Hops church.
The church will be divided into two sections, smoking and non. A state of the art
air filtration system has been ordered to keep the better people from being annoyed
by the smoke from the stupid people that abuse their bodies.
We will proceed with a variation of a practice customary at a catholic church.
At one point during mass, instead of turning to your immediate neighbors,
and shaking hands, saying "peace be with you", we will play a short game of
"pull my finger". When you turn to your fellow worshiper and pull the finger,
don't say anything, just wink & smile, (it helps to visualize here). One of the
alter dudes will be in charge of then turning the ceiling fans on high
for three minutes, (a little longer the day after special events).
Instead of the traditional choir, we will have a D.J. in the loft. Live appearances will
be scheduled only if there is enough money leftover from the collection, after enough
beer is purchased for the next week. Following Mass every Thursday will be
polka night, Friday will be blues, Saturday nights will feature classic rock,
and Sunday is jazz. After masses Monday through Wed, you may bring your own music,
even country music will be permitted. Any rap music confiscated will result
in immediate dismissal from the church. We don't consider tat to be funny.
Driving after mass will be strictly prohibited. If you don't have a designated driver
waiting outside in the car, one will be provided for you. Backseat driving will be allowed.
Mooning other motorists is permissible in the eyes of the church, but I believe it is still
against common law. I'll check on that and put a post it note in the bulletin
next Saturday. Taking flash pictures of your driver is also against
policy.
Guest speaker for the inaugural mass will be the brew master from Miller. He will
explain the importance of barley and hops, how to master the art of sliding one foot
off the bed and onto the floor to keep the room from spinning, and the importance of
padded toilet seats. As in all churches, a special collection will be taken. Please be
generous.
Masses will be held 365 days a year, at 6:00 and 9:30 pm. Special holiday mass
times will be announced in the bulletin at least three weeks before I think them up.
BEST REGARDS ........................................ FATHER JIM.
PARISH NEEDS
Satisfying needs is one of the primary functions of your B & H church. Confessions
will be held every first & last Friday of the month. Reservations will be required.
No "walk ins" will be allowed. I will accept 13 people for each session.
The event will be held at the secret farm. You will be blindfolded on the way there
and back. Procedure will be as follows;
To prepare for the ceremony, you must first write your sins on paper,
and read them out loud (in a private place) to time how long it takes you to read them.
It is necessary that you end up with exactly 30 seconds. It doesn't matter if your
story includes bank robbery, murder, or something as simple as an impure thought about
an ugly neighbor. Your sin speech must end up to be exactly 30 seconds. If you have
sinned to much, and can't get it all in a 30 second time frame, you must attend
the next session to finish. If you're one of "those people" and can't even come up with
30 seconds, you are allowed to make something up. (providing you have at least
a couple of legitimate screw ups in your life to warrant your
participation).
Thirteen lazy boy recliners will be positioned in a circle in the sacred barn of
Saint Elsie, the patron saint of cheese. In the center of the circle will be the
sacrificial alter (half barrel with the top cut off). Each participant will be given a tiny
goblet of 151 rum, and of course, a BEER. There will be a "Christmas tree" in one
corner of the barn, and mirrors positioned so everyone in the circle will be able to see
it. For those of you who are not into racing, a "Christmas tree" is the stand of lights
that turns on from top to bottom ending in green to start a drag race.
After a short prayer, I will light the "tree". When the last green light at the bottom
turns on, everyone will stand up and scream their sins out loud for 30 seconds.
No one will hear what you say, cause they'll be busy doing their own. After 30 seconds,
there will be a moment of silence, after which you will throw your tiny goblet of
151 rum into the "alter". I will then toss in the previously blessed sparkler to ignite
the forgiveness juice. Then you toss your written speech into the fire to destroy
the evidence, and then drink your BEER. After a short time, the fire will burn out,
and your sins will be forgiven!
REJOICE, CHILDREN AND PREPARE YOURSELF TO ENTER THE KINGDOM OF BEER!
THE CHURCH PICNIC
This years church picnic will be held at the MEGA MART BEER DEPOT on main street.
The "Happy Schnapps Combo" polka band will be performing throughout the day.
Dinner will be catered by the Cholesterol Café. We will be serving pan fried Spam,
garlic wings, chicken parts fried in butter, pickled pigs feet, an assortment of beef
jerky, jalapeno peanuts, and of course the sacred pretzels. Father Buffet will be
frying his delicious paradise cheeseburgers. For desert we will have the traditional
sand dipped eggshells and chocolate covered watermelon rinds.
Activities will include a karaoke version of the hokey poky preformed by Father Jim,
co-ed naked twister, pin the tail on the overeater, kick the beer can, mid-evil
beer trivia, beer bingo, and the state patrol sobriety test. For the kiddies,
we will be showing a movie in the back room of the BEER depot
"ALIEN SPACE CHICKENS FROM THE PLANET BEER". Hey, it's a funny flick.
Representatives from 42 micro breweries will be on hand for us to taste test
what they say is better. HEY - I don't care for most of that crap either,
but its FREE BEER! (that's my favorite flavor) They will also provide tips
on how to cure a hangover. WHAT A COUNTRY !!!!!
The Budweiser Blimp will be on hand giving rides and offering a bungee jumping class.
Later in the afternoon, we will have a contest where the cord is tied at your feet
and you jump out of the blimp. When you reach the bottom, as low as you can go,
you must puke (yea, like that'll be hard) and try to get as much as you can in the
sacred bucket. The winner will receive a beer can trophy, all participants
will receive a gift certificate to see a psychiatrist.
We still need some volunteers to work part of the day. Please let sister Tina know
if you can work the beer dunk tank booth, hand out the barf bags, or work the
"dunk your face in the toilet bowl for goldfish" booth. We found those old hardhats
in the church basement, the ones with the beer can holders on the sides,
and the fancy straws. We will give them out to the first 150 people to show up.
Some of the chin straps are missing, so be careful!
The guy that played Jim on the T.V. show TAXI will be our motivational speaker
first thing in the morning, to get us all in the mood. Father Hammer will bless
the bacon & Spam sandwiches you are required to bring for breakfast.
If you have any other suggestions for the picnic, sorry, you're Too Late!
Put it in the suggestion box for the fall picnic. C U THERE!
LETS HOPE THE BEER GODS OF WEATHER COOPERATE!
Forever yours in beer, FATHER JIM.
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
OUR LADY OF BARLEY & HOPS
10. THOU SHALT NOT drive over thy neighbors lawn,
nor pee in his bushes.
9. THOU SHALT NOT do bar fights,
or harbor evil thoughts about stupid people.
8. THOU SHALT NOT drink someone else's beer,
while they visit the restroom.
7. THOU SHALT NOT chase your neighbors wife,
if his daughter is better.
6. THOU SHALT NOT kill your bartender,
less he refuses to serve you.
5. HONOR THY designated driver, pay him well,
keep him happy, buy him presents.
4. REMEMBER the Sabbath, and toast often
to the attitude adjustment gods.
3. THOU SHALT NOT EVER fall asleep at the bar,
or pass out in the restroom.
2. THOU SHALT NOT use the name of Betty Ford in vain,
while drunk, or even while sober.
1. THOU SHALT NEVER make fun of another,
as he worships the PORCELAIN GOD !
PENANCE for your sins will be determined by you. I used to be in charge of that,
but have decided we are always harder on ourselves, and that would be better.
CONFESSION details will be announced soon.
YOURS IN ALCOHOL........................................FATHER JIM.
CHURCH OPINIONS
I have been asked to make public the official position on several important issues
in the eyes of the "Our Lady Of Barley & Hops" church.
RACISM - We have a positive view point on this subject. We are most definitely
in favor of racism. Having a healthy mind is important to the soul. A healthy body is
an important part of having a healthy mind. I believe in exercise. We will be scheduling
all kinds of races this spring. Walking races, bike races, baby crawling races,
and lets not forget the all-important BEER-drinking race. Yes, racism is encouraged!
WOMEN'S MOVEMENT - I realize that the purpose of faith, and the viewpoints
of the church are very important to the daily lives of the parishioners. We are
looked to for guidance and direction to complete life's journey. However,
it is my position that whatever women do in the bathroom is their own business.
GENETIC ENGINEERING - We will not be in favor of over the counter genetic
medication until the testing is done. After that, we will encourage the use of Beer-lynol.
It enlarges the BEER glad, and has even been known to grow a new one
(so far only in rare cases). After FDA approval, Beer-lynol will be distributed at mass
during halftime, along with the sacred pretzels. We are also interested in the
medication that genetically alters your golf swing, improves accuracy on the pool table,
and strengthens the bladder.
ALCOHOLISM - No opinion yet. I need to do more research.
THE BEER DEPOT
Invest your pension with me! Own a part of the new BEER DEPOT! Be one of the first
to get in on my new ground floor opportunity! I am planning to open the first of many
mega mart beer stores right here in our lovely little town. I figure with all the
unemployment checks being distributed, business will flourish.
I have selected a location downtown so easy to get to, and plenty of parking too.
I figure about 80,000 square feet oughta do it. Giant displays of Disney characters
made from beer cans will greet people as they enter. The entire store will be without
lights or windows. Customers will be given flashlights as they come in.
There will be a surprise around every corner.
The zoo is delivering a thousand frogs that will jump out at people when they
least expect it. I will have those little magnetic security things on all the BEER
so people don't stuff their pockets. All associates will be required to wear suits
covered with glow sticks. Employees will treat customers as rude as possible.
Swearing will be encouraged.
Jokes will be distributed each morning, for you to tell throughout the day.
Food stamps will be accepted. We will barter too. Trading stuff like old furniture
for beer. We will be open 364 days a year. The store will be closed on Halloween
so my people can spend some quality time with their
families...
Please forward your severance checks as soon as you receive them and/or send me
your application and resume as soon as possible. You wouldn't believe the lead time
on those darn glow stick suits!
BRAIN CELLS
I'm getting real sick and tired of people telling me that drinking BEER destroys
your brain cells. I have yet to see any government required warning labels on BEER cans.
In fact, I suspect this rumor was started by the government. They know that BEER
increases the awareness and common sense glands, and they are afraid if too many
people drink BEER, politicians will no longer be able to lie, cheat and steal as effectively.
If drinking BEER destroys all your brain cells, all lawyers must be descendants
of alcoholics, because they seem to have no brains at all.
I have my own theory. Along with stimulating common sense and awareness,
I think BEER actually does destroy some selected brain cells. Just a couple BEERS
will attack the brain cells that are dormant. This explains why people that never drink
are boring. They have too many unused brain cells just taking up space in the brain.
No room for new ones to grow.
After only a few, BEER begins to attack the active brain cells that contain
all the useless information we have gathered since the last time we had a few more
than a couple. And then, when one reaches the plateau of regular beer drinking,
the effect is quite different. Sometimes you even make up beer stories.
After regular consumption of BEER, Brain cells are selectively destroyed with the least
important knowledge being destroyed first. Any information you need or could possibly
use in the future will remain in tact. (BEER has a way of knowing).
That's the magic of beer. Somehow it knows what bullshit to get rid of in your mind.
It levels off your brains operating capacity at the optimum level.
Just another reason to love BEER.........
CASINO
Wouldn't it be a wonderful thing if the whole world would be like a casino!
I was gambling in Reno and these sexy looking dudettes kept bringing me free BEER!
They said as long as I was spending money, drinks were on the house.
I think everyone should adopt this policy.
Just think of it, when you go to the grocery store, they would hand you a BEER
as soon as you walk in. Instead of those people handing out samples of soggy pizza
and some new kind of cracker that tastes like shit, they would be handing out
different samples of BEER. The old lady in the bakery department would have
a little cooler on her counter. The guy at the cash register would have a half-barrel
tapped and a great big stack of plastic cups.
When you went to the store to spend some of your hard earned money, the greeter
person would be handing out ice cold shorty's. A complete bar would be set up in the
music department with the Dennis Leary song "Asshole" playing. The pharmacy would
have special medicated beer samples. The automotive department associates would be
giving out 16oz cans saying "nice to see you & have a nice day". If you stopped to pay
your gas bill, they would have cans of BEER on the counter. I don't know why,
but BEER always reminds me of the word GAS.
The mall would probably be the most happening place in town. All the stores competing
for your money, trying to give out more and better beer than the other stores.
While handing out all this BEER, they might then resort to other ideas to get you
to shop at their store. Penny’s might hire bands to listen to while you shop.
Sears would have magic shows scattered around the store. Everyone drinking BEER,
having fun, and spending money.
Gas stations would have self-serve taps next to all their self-serve pumps.
The drive through window at all the fast food places would give out little traveler cups
of BEER, and you could "super size" it for another 69 cents. Law schools would have to
invest all kinds of money for the new required body building classes. Attorneys would
be required to pass a new strength test before they take the bar exam. This is
necessary because whenever they leave their house they will have to carry two
or three cases of BEER with them where ever they go. Because every time lawyers
talk to anyone, the scum sucking greedy pig faced jerks want to make money off you,
which now would require BEER.
I think the casino owners are on the right track though, it could be a great thing!
JACK AND JILL
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a case of BEER. On their way up, they ran into
Little Bo-Peep, who lost her BEER, and didn't know where to find it. Georgy Porgy was
sitting on a rock eating a pudding pie. He said he was depressed and on Prozac,
cause every time he kissed a girl, he made them cry. Three blind mice ran by,
chasing a farmer’s wife, who had cut off their tails with a carving knife after she
caught them eating the pie she just had delivered from Simple Simon's bakery.
Little Miss Muffet was sitting on an empty case of BEER eating her cheese curds.
This great big spider came and sat down beside her, and scared the shit out of her.
She spilled her bag of cheese curds, and started running. She came across
old Mother Hubbard who said "no worries mate", I have some more cheese curds
in my cupboard, next to my doggie bones. But I moved last week. I divorced
my husband because he couldn't control his Wee-Willie-Winkie,
and now I'm shacking up with this dude in the house that jack built.
Well, Little Miss Muffet didn't want to get involved in that mess and decided to go buy
some more from her good friend, Maid Mary that works at the dairy. Just about then,
Jack & Jill heard an argument going on in the garden of Mary Mary quite contrary.
They saw Mary Mary, spanking a young boy. It turned out to be her neighbor,
Peter Peter the pumpkin eater. They overheard, "you stupid idiot! For the last time,
you have to cook the stupid pumpkin before you eat it' !! The last time you tried this,
you threw up on my dog! Now get out of here, go sit in the corner with
Little Jack Horner and help him eat the Christmas pie".
Just then, Peter Piper showed up and said he was there to pick a peck of pickled
jalapeno peppers. Mary Mary said, how many pecks of pickled jalapeno peppers
are you going to pick ? Peter Piper said, "just one". Jack & Jill went on,
searching for their case of BEER. They came across a huge, gigantic shoe.
"holy cow" said Jill, its as big as a house!
They went and knocked on the door, and needless to say, an old woman answered
the door. We're looking for a case of BEER, said Jack. Sorry, said the old woman.
I haven't had BEER in the house since my husband was alive. He was the
street sweeper driver and drowned when he was driving over the London Bridge
that collapsed last spring. Just then, they heard screaming outside.
They saw a dude holding his ass. The old woman said, oh that's Jack, he must have
burned himself jumping over the candle stick. She explained that he just got out of
Betty Ford and started drinking again. So, Jack & Jill went out and took his case
of BEER away and started back down the hill. It was then, when Jack fell down,
and broke his crown, and Jill went tumbling after............
CAR WASH
Not many people know, but BEER has many chemical properties most people don't know
about. If you prepare the BEER correctly (its a secret) the residue will form a
transparent film that is actually harder than the surface of a diamond.
I stumbled upon this fact and process late one funny night during a poker game
in the back room of a Reno hotel.
This great big ugly guy was bragging about how much money he was going to make with
his new discovery. The more he drank, the more money he lost, and the more he told
about his secret. So naturally, we kept feeding him more BEER until we had the
whole story. He started getting a little "frisky" with one of the waitresses,
and she eventually drove her spiked heal through the back of his head, killing him.
There's a lot more to this bloody homicide story, but lets talk more about BEER.
Now that I am the only one that knows about the hardening properties of BEER,
I will be opening a chain of car washes around the world. Instead of water, I will use
BEER. After I use the secret process to make the beer residue get hard,
it is still completely safe to drink. Not only will you have a good time at my car wash,
you will only have to get your car washed once. The hardened beer film will last forever.
Since the film is invisible, I will put a tattoo on every car that passes through,
kind of like a "brand" they used to put on cattle. That way, my people will know
if the car has been treated before. Along with its lasting forever qualities,
no dirt will ever stick to the surface of the car. Bring your car to me once,
and it will look perfect forever. All because of BEER!
I was thinking about how much to charge for this special process. First I figured a cars
lifetime at 12 years, ordinary washes once a month at $3.75 ea, that comes to
$540.00 you would spend on the average car during its lifetime, just to get it washed.
Because I'm such a nice guy, and don't believe in taking advantage of people,
I have decided to charge $100 for this service.
You see, I believe in insuring the permanency of my investment by keeping prices
so low, as not to encourage competition. I figure the city council in all cities will donate
the land. The townspeople will take up a collection for the building,
and my employees will work for beer, (wouldn't you?). The golden liquid will be applied
with giant squirt guns by naked people. I will have two lanes, male & female.
You may choose whatever lane you wish. If you ask to go through both,
you will be banned from my BEER wash forever, and sent home.
| "Pull my finger polka" |
| Music courtesy of: The Happy Schnapps Combo |
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| Treat your imagination to a visual joyride and enjoy reading these funny beer stories. |
Funny Beer Stories
THE WEATHER
Wouldn't it be a wonderful thing, if instead of water when it rained, it would be BEER!
All the oceans, lakes & rivers would be BEER. All the fish would have big smiles
on their faces. Jet ski and pleasure boats would be as common as having a radio.
Lake front property could only be afforded by the richest people. Instead of umbrellas,
everyone would have funnels, to capture the golden fluid from the sky.
Flowers would bloom immediately after it rained. Weather would never again
be a problem. It's either nice out, or raining BEER.
Somehow, mother nature has a way of taking care of us, so I would think when we get
the really big BEER storms, it would hail aspirin, and pretzels. The weather guy on TV
would have all the different brands of beer that are expected to fall in different
parts of the country, alcohol levels, and party highlights from the latest hurricanes
(which would be named after brands of BEER, not people).
Then of course, there would be the BEER channel. You could tune your T.V. to this
channel to find out when to expect your next hangover. There would still be Michelin
tire commercials every 5 minutes, but they would talk about their superior traction
during a suds storm. A tornado would be a solid stream of BEER coming down instead
of wind. It wouldn't be able to drive a piece of straw in to a telephone pole,
but their would still be people who chased them, and risked their lives
just to film the event, and get as close as possible to the solid stream of BEER.
Driving would not be allowed on severe beer days. Everything would be put on hold,
and no one would care. The town sirens would go off when there was a severe
BEER warning. Everyone would be let out of work. All the businesses would close
except the grocery stores, bowling alleys, and golf courses.
After a good long rain, you would see earth worms darting across the lawns just like
dolphins dancing on their tails in the ocean. White water rafting would be the ultimate
vacation. Starting in November, frozen BEER crystals would fall from the sky.
That would be the time to gas up your BEER blower, and buy a new BEER shovel.
Joyful children would make BEER angels, and build BEER men in the front yard.
Schools would close when we got too much BEER. Ohhhh what a perfect world it
would be. And then the worst thing that could happen, happened................
My alarm went off this morning.
PAUL HARVEY
BEER farms have been one of the worlds best kept secrets until now. BEER never was
made in a brewery as you have always thought. Those big vats you see on T.V.
Commercials is only a big holding tank used to hold the BEER before they put it in
bottles. The beer is delivered in stainless steel milk trucks from dairy farms throughout
the country. Synthetic milk was perfected long ago and hasn't come from cows in many
years. You're right, all these cows you see on farms are actually producing
BEER.
How it all started -
Once upon a time, farmer Bill, (somewhere in Wisconsin) stumbled upon a way to make
cows produce naturally carbonated products. You see one day, one of his cows
accidentally swallowed some Alla-seltzer he had dropped out of his pocket. He got to
thinking and decided to have this cow eat nothing but barley and hops. His cousin, doctor
Bob, an experimental physician, replaced the cow’s milk gland with his prototype
mechanical BEER gland. After a few weeks, the cow began producing non-alcoholic BEER.
It was quite tasty but didn't have the energy enhancing affect they were hoping
for.
During a poker game one night, doctor Bob exploded with excitement and exclaimed
to the farmer, HEY, why don't we mix some of this moonshine we have with
Elsie’s barley & hops! We could bottle the stuff and people all over the world would
buy it! We'll call it "Bobs Energy Enhancement Remedy". Since they didn't have
anything better to do, they tried it the next day, and it worked. It took too long
to hand write that long name on every bottle, they decided to shorten the name
and just call it BEER.
The farmer had four sons. He named them, Bud, Miller, Coors, and Micro.
These four sons continued the family business. They all had secret ingredients
to slightly vary the taste of the BEER their herds produced. One Sunday afternoon
at the church picnic, the four brothers had a disagreement, went their separate ways,
and have been competitors ever since.
One of the problems they encountered in the early days was where to store the BEER
before the trucks came every week. Farmer Bill came up with a solution.
His invention was a huge BEER can shaped room next to his barn where he could
store his BEER until the next truck came.
The farmers name was... BILLY SILO.
AND NOW YOU KNOW..........THE REST OF THE STORY. GOOD DAY!
A DREAM COME TRUE
This goes beyond my normal goals in life. Many people judge success in different ways.
Some people dream of owning something very expensive. Some people value love
and companionship and would consider that to be a life long accomplishment.
I'm sure there are as many life long dream subjects as there is different brands
of micro BEER. My dream has to do with money.
Most people just want a million dollars. My uncle once commented he would consider
himself successful when his business was doing well enough to be a million dollars
in debt. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure can improve your life if you respect it,
and use it wisely.
Giving back is also important. Those that "have", should help out those who have little
or nothing. My dream come true (after I win a BEER for life sweepstakes) is to have
enough money to afford a nation wide free BEER happy hour every Friday. Once a week,
I would like to be able to help everyone start the weekend off right with an hour
of free BEER after work on Friday. People that will not work, will not be allowed
to participate. That's why I want to be rich.
Men and women, black or white, young or old, rich or poor, tall or short, fat or skinny,
bald or not, ugly or beautiful, I think the world would be a better place if everyone
attended an attitude adjustment hour once a week.
THE ULTIMATE JOB
Finding yourself unemployed can be both the most traumatic and the most rewarding
experience of your life. Once you are not locked into a specific job, your opportunities
are only limited by your imagination. Education and experience are both very important,
but there just is no substitute for being in the right place at the right time
and knowing the right people. I got lucky!!
I stopped at one of my favorite watering holes for some liquid breakfast one morning
as I always do, and met a fascinating man who offered me a part time job drinking
BEER. At first I thought he was kidding, but then I got goose bumps as I realized
it was a real opportunity.
I have to travel to other cities four days a week, and spend the other two right here
in town. I get paid mileage, double time on Sundays, and I get to turn in chicken wing
receipts ! The job doesn't pay much per hour, but I get to work 8 hours a day,
six days a week. I have already received two favorable reviews from my boss
and he is considering me for a full time position. If I get the full time job, it will be
10 hours a day plus benefits. The benefit package includes my own puke bucket,
a sleeping bag and pillow in lieu of a designated driver, a bottle of Flintstone's
vitamins every month, a box of camouflage bandages, and lots of aspirin.
SUBLIMINAL
Once there was a monkey who dreamed of flying (beer). While the other monkeys swung
from branches (beer) or hunted for bananas (beer) he would watch the birds (beer)
and imagine himself among them (beer). Well, (beer) one day it seemed he would get
his wish (beer). Some men from the space program (beer) came to the jungle (beer)
looking for a monkey to test a rocket (beer). The monkey was so excited (beer)
when they strapped him in to the test module (barb) he could hardly stand it (beer).
Three feet off the ground (beer) he threw up (beer). The module was almost ruined
(beer). The program lost it's funding (beer). Everyone blamed the monkey (beer).
The moral of the story is........
BEATS ME! Probably some deep hidden meaning to something really important.
Sometimes you come up with these great ideas for stories, then when it comes time
for an ending, you mind goes blank. I think I need another BEER………………
Wouldn't it be a wonderful thing, if instead of water when it rained, it would be BEER!
All the oceans, lakes & rivers would be BEER. All the fish would have big smiles
on their faces. Jet ski and pleasure boats would be as common as having a radio.
Lake front property could only be afforded by the richest people. Instead of umbrellas,
everyone would have funnels, to capture the golden fluid from the sky.
Flowers would bloom immediately after it rained. Weather would never again
be a problem. It's either nice out, or raining BEER.
Somehow, mother nature has a way of taking care of us, so I would think when we get
the really big BEER storms, it would hail aspirin, and pretzels. The weather guy on TV
would have all the different brands of beer that are expected to fall in different
parts of the country, alcohol levels, and party highlights from the latest hurricanes
(which would be named after brands of BEER, not people).
Then of course, there would be the BEER channel. You could tune your T.V. to this
channel to find out when to expect your next hangover. There would still be Michelin
tire commercials every 5 minutes, but they would talk about their superior traction
during a suds storm. A tornado would be a solid stream of BEER coming down instead
of wind. It wouldn't be able to drive a piece of straw in to a telephone pole,
but their would still be people who chased them, and risked their lives
just to film the event, and get as close as possible to the solid stream of BEER.
Driving would not be allowed on severe beer days. Everything would be put on hold,
and no one would care. The town sirens would go off when there was a severe
BEER warning. Everyone would be let out of work. All the businesses would close
except the grocery stores, bowling alleys, and golf courses.
After a good long rain, you would see earth worms darting across the lawns just like
dolphins dancing on their tails in the ocean. White water rafting would be the ultimate
vacation. Starting in November, frozen BEER crystals would fall from the sky.
That would be the time to gas up your BEER blower, and buy a new BEER shovel.
Joyful children would make BEER angels, and build BEER men in the front yard.
Schools would close when we got too much BEER. Ohhhh what a perfect world it
would be. And then the worst thing that could happen, happened................
My alarm went off this morning.
PAUL HARVEY
BEER farms have been one of the worlds best kept secrets until now. BEER never was
made in a brewery as you have always thought. Those big vats you see on T.V.
Commercials is only a big holding tank used to hold the BEER before they put it in
bottles. The beer is delivered in stainless steel milk trucks from dairy farms throughout
the country. Synthetic milk was perfected long ago and hasn't come from cows in many
years. You're right, all these cows you see on farms are actually producing
BEER.
How it all started -
Once upon a time, farmer Bill, (somewhere in Wisconsin) stumbled upon a way to make
cows produce naturally carbonated products. You see one day, one of his cows
accidentally swallowed some Alla-seltzer he had dropped out of his pocket. He got to
thinking and decided to have this cow eat nothing but barley and hops. His cousin, doctor
Bob, an experimental physician, replaced the cow’s milk gland with his prototype
mechanical BEER gland. After a few weeks, the cow began producing non-alcoholic BEER.
It was quite tasty but didn't have the energy enhancing affect they were hoping
for.
During a poker game one night, doctor Bob exploded with excitement and exclaimed
to the farmer, HEY, why don't we mix some of this moonshine we have with
Elsie’s barley & hops! We could bottle the stuff and people all over the world would
buy it! We'll call it "Bobs Energy Enhancement Remedy". Since they didn't have
anything better to do, they tried it the next day, and it worked. It took too long
to hand write that long name on every bottle, they decided to shorten the name
and just call it BEER.
The farmer had four sons. He named them, Bud, Miller, Coors, and Micro.
These four sons continued the family business. They all had secret ingredients
to slightly vary the taste of the BEER their herds produced. One Sunday afternoon
at the church picnic, the four brothers had a disagreement, went their separate ways,
and have been competitors ever since.
One of the problems they encountered in the early days was where to store the BEER
before the trucks came every week. Farmer Bill came up with a solution.
His invention was a huge BEER can shaped room next to his barn where he could
store his BEER until the next truck came.
The farmers name was... BILLY SILO.
AND NOW YOU KNOW..........THE REST OF THE STORY. GOOD DAY!
A DREAM COME TRUE
This goes beyond my normal goals in life. Many people judge success in different ways.
Some people dream of owning something very expensive. Some people value love
and companionship and would consider that to be a life long accomplishment.
I'm sure there are as many life long dream subjects as there is different brands
of micro BEER. My dream has to do with money.
Most people just want a million dollars. My uncle once commented he would consider
himself successful when his business was doing well enough to be a million dollars
in debt. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure can improve your life if you respect it,
and use it wisely.
Giving back is also important. Those that "have", should help out those who have little
or nothing. My dream come true (after I win a BEER for life sweepstakes) is to have
enough money to afford a nation wide free BEER happy hour every Friday. Once a week,
I would like to be able to help everyone start the weekend off right with an hour
of free BEER after work on Friday. People that will not work, will not be allowed
to participate. That's why I want to be rich.
Men and women, black or white, young or old, rich or poor, tall or short, fat or skinny,
bald or not, ugly or beautiful, I think the world would be a better place if everyone
attended an attitude adjustment hour once a week.
THE ULTIMATE JOB
Finding yourself unemployed can be both the most traumatic and the most rewarding
experience of your life. Once you are not locked into a specific job, your opportunities
are only limited by your imagination. Education and experience are both very important,
but there just is no substitute for being in the right place at the right time
and knowing the right people. I got lucky!!
I stopped at one of my favorite watering holes for some liquid breakfast one morning
as I always do, and met a fascinating man who offered me a part time job drinking
BEER. At first I thought he was kidding, but then I got goose bumps as I realized
it was a real opportunity.
I have to travel to other cities four days a week, and spend the other two right here
in town. I get paid mileage, double time on Sundays, and I get to turn in chicken wing
receipts ! The job doesn't pay much per hour, but I get to work 8 hours a day,
six days a week. I have already received two favorable reviews from my boss
and he is considering me for a full time position. If I get the full time job, it will be
10 hours a day plus benefits. The benefit package includes my own puke bucket,
a sleeping bag and pillow in lieu of a designated driver, a bottle of Flintstone's
vitamins every month, a box of camouflage bandages, and lots of aspirin.
SUBLIMINAL
Once there was a monkey who dreamed of flying (beer). While the other monkeys swung
from branches (beer) or hunted for bananas (beer) he would watch the birds (beer)
and imagine himself among them (beer). Well, (beer) one day it seemed he would get
his wish (beer). Some men from the space program (beer) came to the jungle (beer)
looking for a monkey to test a rocket (beer). The monkey was so excited (beer)
when they strapped him in to the test module (barb) he could hardly stand it (beer).
Three feet off the ground (beer) he threw up (beer). The module was almost ruined
(beer). The program lost it's funding (beer). Everyone blamed the monkey (beer).
The moral of the story is........
BEATS ME! Probably some deep hidden meaning to something really important.
Sometimes you come up with these great ideas for stories, then when it comes time
for an ending, you mind goes blank. I think I need another BEER………………
| Take me to the JOKE PAGES |
| Music compliments of The Happy Schnapps Combo Manitowoc Wisconsin |
| Copyright 2005 JB Company All Rights Reserved. The Relationship Contract and One Night Agreement may be printed for your personal use only. You ARE NOT ALLOWED to redistribute any information or reproduce it in any form without the express written permission of the JB Company |
| Play New Song |
"Barley Pop"
Play
Music
Music
Play
New
Song
New
Song
"Drinkin Man's Waltz"
| Green Bay Church Window |
| Great Body Paint Job |
After the
Beer Party
Beer Party
BEER CAMP
| ** INTERMISSION ** Go get yourself another Beer |
| Take me to the JOKE PAGES |
| The Nuns Beer Party |
| Drunk Picture |
After the beer party
Bad hangover picture
Wow - What a beer party.
| I bet he could tell some good funny beer stories |
Hangover picture
Now that's a drunk picture
Drunk Picture
Hangover picture
Hangover Picture
Page one are all my original writings.
Page 2 is a collection of more funny things you will want to see as long as you are here.
Page 2 is a collection of more funny things you will want to see as long as you are here.
| The church is in the process of replacing #4 with #12 |
Go to Beer
Pulp Page 2
Pulp Page 2